My 60 year plus mother holds some very set view about certain sections of society that may have some basis in experience but most likely does not.  Since she comes for the generation of the great –isms, I assumed that my siblings and I just brushed off these prejudices, sometimes with argument. Imagine my surprise when discussing a certain serious family issue with one of my siblings when they strongly expressed an opinion consistent with one of my mother’s which I know is not based in their experience. 

This got me thinking about some of the prejudices that haunt our societies today, things like racism, nationalism, tribalism and even classism.  Wikipedia states that ‘a prejudice is a prejudgment: i.e. a preconceived belief, opinion, or judgment made without recourse to reason’ and that is generally true.  I am not sure that all prejudices were originally without reason – historical reasons may have been the origin but that reason is lost when it no longer holds true. 

Many times our prejudices appear to be passed to us by other people, our parents, our friends, our governments without the benefit of personal experience.  We are also more likely to accept these opinions if they originate from one of us – a family member, a tribal member or some other member of a group that we belong to.  The thing is that is one of the things that make us human, owing to our evolved communication and empathy skills, we do not have to experience unpleasant situations if someone else is in a position to relate that experience to us.  That is how we learn.

We all know that small children over a certain age get upset if they are introduced into strange environments or to strange people, strange is anything substantially different from the norm – like a different skin colour!   There must be an inherent fear of the unknown in all humans and that would make evolutionary sense.  Until it is proven safe, we must fear it for it may be looking for dinner.  Take that built in defence mechanism and add the prejudices of the group and we have what we have. 

For that reason I believe everyone has some prejudices, even me.  It is the people who take a chance and explore and challenge the prejudices – those who have relationships outside their race, class and tribe, those who travel to experience the world and her peoples that have an increased their potential of finding happiness, finding contentment.  Many find friendship, many find love and many find their place in the sun.

Continuing to hold on to those –isms reduce your life options, hold you back from experiences that enrich life, maybe it is time to challenge them.

May you find the balance.

A Buckinghamshire man diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2006 who won £10,000 betting he would be alive years later, died at the age of 60 a few months short of collecting another £10,000 (BBC News – Buckinghamshire man who bet to beat cancer dies).  On the face of it, it would appear a classical example of the power of positive thinking.

However, when faced with a hungry lion advancing on you in an open savannah, it would be very stupid to think that positive thinking will assist in this matter, the use of ones’ legs and a dose of negative emotions might be the better solution.  Of course, most people would recognise that the lion situation calls for more than positive thinking.  But what about other situations, less straightforward, like when faced with cancer?  The author, Barbara Ehrenreich, in her personal story entitled “Smile or Die: How Positive Thinking Fooled America and the World” describes just such a situation.

Some attribute the popularisation of positive thinking to the book and DVD ‘The Secret’ but Ehrenreich’s book goes further back into American history of the phenomenon.  Slowly though, a healthy scepticism of the concept is growing for example The selfishness of the self-help industry and Christina Patterson: Heaven knows we’re miserable now.

Positive thinking is one of the tenants of the self help industry.  Numerous guides advise that not only must you continuously avoid negative thoughts but you must also surround yourself with only those who are constantly positive.  This you will be assured will help you be more successful and happier.  It is even attributed as a pre-requisite to achieving ‘whatever you want’. 

However, I put it to you that “to realise that you are crap at most measurable activities and that your talents are so small as to barely dignify the word, is one of the essential lessons in life.” (Three cheers for failure | MT Hughes | Comment is free | guardian.co.uk).  This will mean that you will not expect positive thinking to work for you in cases where it is unreasonable to expect it to.   I suspect that many of the ‘hopefuls’ that appear on “Xfactor”, “XXXX’s Got Talent” and “XXXX Idol” and even those on “The Apprentice” and in “Dragon’s Den” that many are gifted with massive doses of positive vibes but that does not pre-empt them from being rubbish.  Some even threaten us with their return!

If you think that positive thinking will make a super salesman out of you when you’re shy and honest or a film star if you can’t act to save your life then you are heading for a lesson in long term discontent.

May you find the balance.

In exactly one month’s time, I will change my status once again from employed to self employed.  Since it has been a long time since I have took stock of where I am, now would seem to be an appropriate time to do so.  This is where I think I am currently…..

Note, I said self employed as opposed to unemployed even though it is hard to claim self employment with the current income outside my salary in the 10s as opposed to in the 1000s.  This employment status change, and the other change charging towards me stemming from it, comes with some heavy emotional baggage and I will not be telling the truth if I were not to admit that I am somewhat apprehensive, maybe a bit more like frightened.  After all, the recent change of UK Government does not bode well for the under and unemployed.  When you make a commitment to change, a chain reaction is set in motion. This may be the reason that many people find change scary.

Having said that, the anticipation of being able to pursue projects that have been on the back burner for some time now and the thrill of having the time to do so has my mind working overtime.  There is one thing that the unemployed and under employed are rich in, time.  I plan to make full use of my time to create an exciting new phase of my life.  Will to be successful?  Who knows?  I have I track record so far, after all, I’m still here am I not?

I do not forget that I can be thankful that I have this opportunity.  I truly appreciate the fact that many people, many, many people do not ever get the opportunity to try to achieve their plans and schemes.  I try to find the time early in the morning to contemplate both this fact and other things and to feel at one with the universe for a while.  This spiritual time has fallen victim to the racing mind lately though.

Physically, I have not been too brilliant.  Still too much drink, too much nasty fatty foods and too little exercise.  I know I need to do something to be healthier but currently I am not stressing too much about it.  Too much excitement and the knowledge that in just under a month, I will be able to set aside time for exercise.  Then I’ll have to work on the drink and food.  Like I said though I am not stressing too much which oddly enough has reduced the odd aches and pains that seem to plague me a few weeks ago.

Overall, I feel good and so I will enjoy for now.

May you find the balance.

“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyse a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialisation is for insects.”

Attributed to Robert Anson Heinlein (July 7, 1907 – May 8, 1988) an American science fiction writer, I was reminded of this quote a couple of times recently when a friend of mine criticised my blogs of being unfocussed.  In his opinion, only those who specialise are likely to make money out of their blogs and I am on a hiding to nothing.  I obviously have specific aims for my blogs that escaped his notice but I digress.

If you subscribe to the American self help success model, then specialisation is by far the most frequent strand of the success formula.  The advise goes along the these lines, ‘decide what you want to do, want if badly, crave it and then go for it with all your heart and mind’ including, of course, not being sidetracked by other little things like friends and family and other aspects of life.  The gurus will point to examples of successful people that, at least from the outside, who prove the case.  But is that necessarily true?  Even someone as single focussed on golf as Tiger Woods had time to not only do but plan extra-curricula activities!  Another example, the British tycoon, Richard Branson (him of Virgin fame) appears to be focussed many business ventures that you got to wonder if he gets 48 hours a day as opposed to the rest of us.

There is a group of successful people that do not exhibit that single minded focus or at least not for extensive periods of time, people I call the co-founders.  The most famous of these people is a hero of mine, Paul Allen. Co-founder of the mighty Microsoft, Mr Allen has proved to have a wide range of interests many that he backs up with his money. 

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your point of view, humans are multi-talented or multi task orientated and that is what has made us a successful species.  The vast majority of us cannot and do not focus on one thing only.  Is it so bad to want to be a good say salesman as well as a good father?  An excellent mechanic as well as an exceptional husband?  All tasks require work and attention and life is interesting; most of us would get bored doing one thing for an extended period of life.  

Some of us who have bought into the ‘single mindedness’ theory continue to go back to the self help industry, blaming ourselves for our lack of concentration, to seek the inspiration to achieve our goal.  That’s what keeps them busy! 

I am sometimes amazed at the wide range of subjects I find interesting and I sometimes wonder if my ‘Jack of All Trades’ mentality will hinder me in the future but I somewhat recognise that my disquiet is due to the recent emphasis on specialisation in this industrial age.

Obviously with competing interests, goals etc, balance is required and this is what this blog is about, finding a balance.  Using my personal experiences either directly or indirectly, this blog discusses issues that affect life’s balances which I hope you will take on board with your own experiences to create your own unique formula for happiness.  Note, your own, not prescribed.

I believe we should embrace our wide ranging interests and goals and strive to achieve a balance that will generally leave us content with our lot.

May you find the balance.

You couldn’t be that good and not know it, somewhere in your secret heart, however much you’d been abused into affecting public humility. [Lois McMaster Bujold]

Despite my dislike for ‘reality’ TV, I do occasionally watch programs like ‘Pop Idol’ and ‘X Factor’ mainly because the family with 2 budding singers in it likes to watch them.  Currently ‘American Idol’ is the rage and watching it the other day I was struck by the fact that all the contestants were very good.  I mean really good.  The fact that a couple of them are quite young got me to thinking about how much of their youth have these young people given away for a dream as unlikely to happen as winning the competition.

Outliers: The Story of Success

In his book, ‘Outliers: The Story of Success’, Malcolm Gladwell, author of “The Tipping Point” and “Blink” , quotes a neurologist as follows:  “In study after study, of composers, basketball players, fiction writers, ice-skaters, concert pianists, chess players, master criminals, this number comes up again and again. Ten thousand hours is equivalent to roughly three hours a day, or 20 hours a week, of practice over 10 year.  No one has yet found a case in which true world-class expertise was accomplished in less time.”

No-one would claim world class mastery for the contestants on American Idol but some serious practice would appear to be the requisite of making it through to the finals.  The point being made by the scientists that Gladwell quotes would seriously be a hindrance to anyone, such as myself, who is considering a career change at such a late stage in their working life.  However, it also serves as a warning as to how much work will be required should you decide to take the step.  Accepting that means you should make your choice carefully; after all you may have to do it for 3 hours a day for 10 years! 

You need to be content to do whatever you are doing otherwise it will seem like an eternity before you are any good.

But sometimes, true mastery and perfection are not a pre-requisite for success, at least short term success.  Many of those master musicians mentioned in the book play backing for those of less experience and practice, just ask any ‘career’ session musician.  Sometimes flair and originality or stepping outside the box – therefore invalidating everyone’s 10,000 hour experience can make a difference. 

Anyway no-body says you can’t be the best without the 10,000 hours of work.  You just need to be the one with the most hours anywhere and you can be the best.  What is obvious being the best does require work and you will be best only if you are doing something you love.

May you find the balance.

‘I am going to be a star’.

Many young people dream this at some point in their lives.  Sometimes we try and discourage them and in other cases we encourage them. Sometimes, reality sets in and they settle for what’s on the plate. Sometimes, as seen on such TV shows as ‘X-factor’ and ‘Pop Idol’, more times than not these dreams come crashing down like a ton of bricks. 

But then there are those who refine the star to ‘pop star’, ‘film star’ and even ‘geek star’ and slowly work away at achieving this lofty goal because it is what defines them.  Along this way, some lose the requirement to be a public ‘star’ and just become ‘star’ in their field,  a star where they are held in high esteem but their peers in whatever the field, others discover new routes and new interests that turn them from being a ‘football star’ into a potential Noble Prize contender and still a star.

I had a surreal conversation this week where someone asked me about my future plans after I leave work in July.  How would I survive without a job and income?  Thinking about it later I realised my attempt at explanation would have made me appear like I was heading for a mighty unprepared crash.

 How do you ask someone to explain their dreams?

I think that if I had sat the person down and explained my dreams and hopes for hours on end, the result would have been the same.  As author Paulo Coelho (he keeps appearing in my posts) wrote recently ‘If you have a dream, don’t waste your energies explaining why’.

I cannot guarantee my dreams will come true just as much as they who play it safe can guarantee that they will remain in such a comfortable situation.  I, at least, will have had a go and crashed and burned in spectacular fashion and I could be a ‘failure star’.

May you find the balance.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

 Many people attribute the above quote to the US constitution when in fact it comes from the US Declaration of Independence.  I am unaware of any other country that fundamentally assures its citizen’s of the right to be happy.

 This assumption of a right to strive for happiness is so ingrained in US culture that Americans spent $11 billion in 2008 on self-improvement books, CDs, seminars, coaching and stress-management programs and they are doing their best to export their brand of success, motivation and happiness formulas.   But have we equated happiness so much with success and ultimately money that we allow fellow humans to fail to even meet their basic needs?  I think we have and I believe because of that happiness will continue to elude many of us.

 The question of whether you are happy or not is not really ingrained in human psyche, is it?  It appears to be the question we ask when we get comfortable when we have met our basic needs on a consistent basis.  When the struggle for survival is the modus operandi, the question of happiness is irrelevant.   Survival is the name of the game as with all other creatures, and in order to survive, we strive to obtain our basic needs, thereafter anything else is a bonus.  Yes, a bonus, not a right.

 Having said that, there is no harm, after having met basic needs, in striving to be much more, but in my opinion, you should be improving yourself as a person and doing your bit for humanity, but not at the expense of others.  This is why this blog is about contentment, personal fulfillment rather than happiness.

 May you find the balance.

The number of men applying for teacher training has risen sharply because of the recession, says the body responsible for training teachers.  There was an over 50% rise in the number of men applying to be primary school teachers; see http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/8550506.stm for the story.

I have to ask myself whether the recession is in fact the real reason for the rise.  I suspect there may be a grain of truth in the matter as applications from men have been falling for years especially on the fears of accusations of paedophilia that we in the UK seems a little over obsessive about.  The question is just how good teachers are these people going to make given that teaching may be a fallback position to be reversed when capitalism’s optimism returns.

How many other professionals are doing work they do not like/care about?  It is worse with vocational professions where there is a bit of an expectation of some sense of public service.  I mean we expect bankers to be ruthless money grabbing individuals, but doctors, nurses, teachers and the like must be willing to go over and above the call of duty for us.  I can honestly say that in most cases, you can sense when there is the lack of that commitment in those professions but then again, nobody does a good job doing something they don’t care about.

And this is what makes the difference.  If you are doing what you love, what you care about, it does not feel like work.  When it does not feel like work, it is what defines you as a person, as a member of the society you live in.  I once read that hunter-gatherers worked about 30% of the time.  I, on the other hand, believe they worked 100% of the time – however some things did not look like hunter gatherer work but it was because that is what they were.  You can see that sort of work ethic in some communities.  The industrial revolution is what created the divide between work and play and the rest of life.

Because of that, many people believe that they can separate work and play and achieve greatness and satisfaction in their lives.  Most of us know or soon will know this not to true and it does not matter how much you earn and because you don’t like what you do, you yearn for more off time, holiday and leisure time to do other things.  Doing things you don’t care about though makes you tired and lazy and listless, and so many times people do not rise high enough to do those things you like continuously  and so they find wasteful pastimes like drinking, gambling and other activities that provide minimal relief from the drudge they find themselves in.  Work just becomes a drag.

If you personally do work you enjoy fully, I envy you.  I was once there and I seek to return to that state.  I think everyone should aim to use their talent and passion and everyone should be able to earn a living doing so.

May you find the balance.

I can’t remember where I heard this little tit-bit but it is one I always recall it whenever I have to tell someone I am an atheist.   In the story, a Muslim man asks a Christian man why is it he (the Christian) is afraid to die if he truly believes in heaven.  It is obvious from countless survival stories we hear about,  that many of us do everything we can to stay alive even to the point of suffering greatly.  Is that fear of death?

I am not particularly bothered by the thought of death but I certainly do not want to suffer too much before cashing in my chips.  It might bother me if it were to happen in the near future, if I were aware that is, because I am not done living yet.

I bring this subject up because whenever you contemplate life and its trials and tribulations, your plans and your dreams, death will increasingly feature in your thoughts as you get older.  In fact, insurance companies encourage you to include its possibility in your financial plans.  It certainly has featured in my thoughts as I plan for the changes that face me ahead.

I wonder if I worried too much about death, whether it would affect the plans I have, especially considering the risk I am taking at this stage of my life?  Would the idea that you might die before completing your master plan stop you?  Are many of us scared to take financial risks in case we keel over and leave our families in the sh*t?  If you cannot live like you want to because of this fear, are you not already dead?  If you fear death to the point that you cannot ever be content, could it be time to confront your feelings and re-examine your belief system?

All these thoughts may have prompted a prediction of my end in a dream recently, if that is possible, but I will tell you about it anyway.

I am sitting on one of those swing type bench seats on a veranda (porch to you Americans – see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verandah) looking at a beautiful sunset or sunrise over a clear water bay in front of me.  I am old, really old and I feel old but I am satisfied and comfortable.  Sitting next to me is someone I love very much and loves me very much.  I do not see this person, I just know they are there sitting beside me.  My eyes slowly close as I fall asleep admiring the beautiful scene before me and knowing that I will never awake.  It felt so right, it was time and at that moment I am very content.

Maybe you just have to live life to the full and like the words in the song (The Gambler, Kenny Rodgers) ‘the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep.’

May you find the balance.

“By far the most important lesson travel teaches you is that your time is all you really own in life. And the more you travel, the more you realize ….. the satisfaction you get from finding new experiences, meeting new people, and learning new things about yourself…..the best experiences in life can be had for the price of showing up (be it to a festival in Rajasthan, a village in the Italian countryside, or a sunrise ten minutes from your home).

Scientific studies have shown that new experiences (and the memories they produce) are more likely to produce long-term happiness than new things.”

Having just returrned from the carnival in Rio de Janeiro in Brazil, I can only agree.

Read the very good article at Tim Ferris’ blog –  5 Travel Lessons You Can Use at Home.

It struck me very strongly this week that in the week that Auschwitz survivors mark Holocaust Memorial Day (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8482760.stm), I happen to be reading Viktor E Frankel’s “Man’s Search for Meaning“, Dr. Frankel was an Auschwitz survivor.  In the same week, news coming out of the disaster in Haiti cumulated with the story of a teenage girl who was pulled from the rubble of Haiti’s capital, Port-au-Prince, 15 days after the earthquake struck (http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/rss/-/1/hi/world/americas/8484317.stm).

These events reminded me of a poem I wrote many years ago entitled ‘Lie Down and Die’ which I think I wrote around the time our TV screens, at least in Europe, where filled with images of Ethiopian children dying of starvation.  The poem questioned why someone why they just didn’t roll over and die when faced with some of the most horrible experiences that any being can bear.  Dr Frankel uses his experiences in the concentration camps to try and explain why people hold on and how that can help those who feel they can’t keep going.  I will probably return to this discussion in some future post as the first part of the book is fascinating reading.

I am not sure but somehow these events this week may have finally made me commit to registering as an organ donor (http://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/) and adding my picture and my 2 pence worth to the Wall of Life (www.walloflife.org.uk), after all I can’t take anything with me when the ‘deal is done’.  If anything, there will be at least one reason for my existence, my life and like I said on the wall, I can’t take it with me wherever I am going after this…..

The point though is that your life, all our lives, has to be worthwhile. Live it, live it and at the same time try to be content, be happy, it only comes round once.  It is your duty to show to yourself and all those who look to you how to make life worthwhile and from that worth, hopefully, will come contentment and peace.

May you find the balance.

Those who face that which is actually before them, unburdened by the past, undistracted by the future, these are they who live, who make the best use of their lives; these are those who have found the secret of contentment.

Alban Goodier

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all. – Woody Allen (1935 – )

It would appear that I have a psychological need to insert a break between work and home and that break requires the some intake of alcohol simply because that is what I do to relax.  This according to a councillor I had the fortune to meet.  The consumption levels, though over recommended limits, is not particularly worrisome.  Certainly when you consider where I am coming from!

My refusal to give up on drink completely prompted a question to explain why.   Of course I was careful with my response; after all, he himself may be teetotal.  Simply this, I find non drinkers boring.  They are the damp squids of every party or gathering. I even have a theory that most gatherings I go to now are so boring because of designated drivers! People just don’t want to leave the cars at home and as soon as the first designated driver convinces his group to leave, the fun is over.  At least some of them are drinkers; it is the real non-drinkers that are just blah!!!!  I enjoy, at least the early part of drunken conversations.  You can just about talk about anything.

I do not want to be one of them!

Over the years I have insisted that I will not be one of those poor souls who wait for their 2 weeks holiday in the sun every year to actually enjoy themselves.  The rest of the year is just misery and scrimping.  Save thousands, blow it in 2 weeks and hopefully remember some of the holiday is just not my idea of how life should be.

And that is why I go to the pub regularly, why I drink because I want to have some fun but wait, when was the last time I had any fun.  It’s been ages since I went out and had a dance, and I love dancing!  Going to the pub is no longer fun, seeing the same faces doing the same old stuff, just like me!

The question is ‘when did I stop having fun?’

May you find the balance.

“Never hold on hoping that you will benefit from someone else’s dream – it inevitably means your dreams don’t come true” Ben Ellis 2009

In the next few days will be the 7th anniversary of the time I ceased being an employee and became an entrepreneur, an employee owner of a company I shared with 4 other people.  This particular opportunity arose out of what was a few months previously was unthought-of circumstances.  I remember clearly that I nearly did not take that step, except that one of my partners convinced me that it was my best option at the time.  Don’t get me wrong. I always knew, yes, knew, that someday I would be an entrepreneur; it was only a matter of time, I was just not sure that that was the time.

I was finally convinced by the expectations and hopes of our new born enterprise and thus started a 3 year journey leading to being an employee again but with stock options when we sold our little enterprise.  That deal would eventually mean I could start something I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  All; I had to do was hold on another 3 years.

Held on I did past the 3 year mark, and now on the eve of this anniversary, it has become obvious that I have been holding onto other peoples’ dreams.  On all occasions, I was sold by the hopes and dreams of those around me and I failed to listen to me.  And though I know that these years have not been totally wasted, the experiences will serve me for the rest of my life, I know that I am not happier or more secure as I was 7 years ago.

And now I face a similar dilemma again.  Now, I know what I want but I am scared.  Other options seem safer, better but they are not my dreams, my hopes, my aspirations.  And what about my wife, what about her dreams and schemes?  Does she not have a right to determine where she goes from here?  What happens if we can’t agree?  Will compromise be enough?

I realise that at my age, the decisions I make now are likely to haunt me to the end of my days.  It does seem just a little unfair.

Right now, looking for the balance and listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRRBUUbUU40.

 A six-part factual series, presented by Lorraine Kelly and Angus Purden, on Scottish TV will raise awareness of some of the most common emotional health issues, and show the contributors, and those watching at home, what they themselves can do to improve their lives.

http://entertainment.stv.tv/tv/130440-make-me-happier-programme-overview/