“I am available on most weeknights, not degree educated but well versed in matters of politics, economics, religion and the like.  Personal disasters like career disappointments and failed romantic encounters can be discussed and I am not too averse to bouncing balls, kicking balls and hitting balls with a bat but much prefer the kind of play available at the local night club.  I can hold my liquor quite well and am unlikely to return any curries eaten under the influence.  Being a little on the large side enables me to fireman lift any friend to whom the excitement becomes too much.  All this for the price of a taxi ride home!  Bookings being take now, form an orderly queue please, we’re British.”

Yes, my friends, this what we have been reduced to, on top of rent a TV, rent a fridge, rent a lady for a dinner date , we know can rent someone we can bore the pants off.  Unlike real friends who can piss you off, ask for their money back or simply disagree with your fascist views – this one you get to choose from a wonderful list of rental friends.  Be very careful how you type that into Google, will you please, we would want you finding out what other kind of ‘friendly’ services that are for rent.

Ignore these sourpusses at the Independent and at the Guardian, just because they have the time to be making friends and putting up with their boring lot, we know in the real world we need to get what we want and get it now.  I am sure the bank manager, a good friend if there ever was one, will authorise the overdraft extension to take out a friend a week,  Oh, OK then may be too much, once a fortnight then.  The rest of the time we can concentrate on working hard to pay of the overdraft – maybe two jobs will do it.   Apparently there are jobs currently available undertaken by illegal immigrants that no-one else would do for love or money, where a good British born worker would be gratefully received.  Who knows you might make an immigrant friend, you know the one you can say ‘I have a ….. friend’ in conversation with your rented friend.

By the way those of you on my Facebook friend list, please send me your credit card details, it’s nothing personal, just business.

On the other hand, go out there, meet people and make some friends.

May you find the balance.

We do not need to look for statistics to prove that the rate of marriage breakdowns is growing. Many of us have many have experienced it ourselves or have close family and friends who have and those of us with children will know that a significant proportion of their classmates come from ‘broken homes’.  Some of those classmates will come from ‘single parent’ families where a marriage was never entered into in the first place but may have been a co-habitation or ‘break-up before marriage’ scenarios.

The politicians, particularly in the UK, would have us believe that this core family breakdown is the root cause of some of the worst social problems.  Those who spout ‘family values’ harp back to the good old days of life-long monogamous partnerships.  Why don’t they harp back to the life-long partnerships of polygamous marriages, both polygyny (man has more than one wife) or polyandry (a woman has more than one husband), which existed prior to, most probably religiously instigated, monogamy?

I am a believer in evolution not only in the biological sense but in the social context as well.  I am always pointing out to particularly my poor long suffering children, some reason why some ‘backward’ behaviour has roots in the distant past which improved the survival odds of the society that practised it.  For example, there was, at some point in history, a matriarchal kingdom on the English mainland where society was run by the females for the same reason that a tribe in Eastern Africa practised within strict behaviour guidelines what basically can be called group marriage – simply because the men were war-mongers and kept getting killed!

Marriage has evolved from the caveman kidnapping a mate with a club over the head, through various polygamous iterations in different parts of the world to the predominately monogamous relationships of the recent past.  Even today in societies where other forms of marriage are acceptable, the logistics and resource requirements of maintaining two or more families usually results in a fairly monogamous society.   

What  the ‘family values’ people forget that we are a society hell bent on being happy.   Whilst past generations held onto relationships that were basically dead, we have no such inclination.  After all, which one of us is entitled to be happy and which one of us is not?  Which one of us gets to ‘get ahead’ and which one of us has to remain in the shadows?  Which one of us gets to have the dream career and uproot the family to the other side of the world?  Which one of us must continue to take mental or physical abuse for the sake of the kids? 

Why is it that we expect someone we married 20, 10 or 5 years ago to be just as compatible with the changes that you have undergone in those years?  Why do we expect that what you want now is what your partner will want for the rest of their life?  We no longer regard acceptance of the status-quo as an acceptable compromise to achieve contentment. 

The ‘family values’ goody two shoes with their tax breaks for families and stories and statistics about the relatively longevity of married people and the happiness that children will bring hold us back.  They hold us back from working out an acceptable social framework so that those families facing break-up can look to their future knowing that all parties can find contentment if they so choose and avoid any further unhappiness.

This post in no way is intended to condone break-up but nor is it intended to discourage it.  If you happen to be in a relationship, it is you and you alone who can decide whether it is good for you, your spouse and any children involved. 

May you find the balance.

Here is one man’s view of how the simple, not necessarily the easy, can make you happy.   Though written from the sense of the simple home in the Brazilian favelas compared to the high life in the USA, it is the emphasis on simplicity, difficulty and community that the sense of wellbeing is being found – What is Home?

“Allowing people to take time out to watch football during working hours is simply too costly, untimely, and unfair,” so says Willem Smit, a researcher at the Institute for Management Development (IMD) in Switzerland.

It is amazing just how much the pursuit of production and profit is held up as justification not to have fun.   We are not machines, we are people and we are entitled to enjoy a little bit of our lives….

If you walked into one of the most successful people in the world’s home or office, would you expect to find row after row of self help DVDs/CDs and books?  Have you seen any on MTV’s ‘Cribs’ and ‘Who lives in house like this?’ Thought not.

Americans spent $11 billion in 2008 on self-improvement books, CDs, seminars, coaching and stress-management programs.  I suspect that that this figure is much lower in other parts of the world but the Americans are doing their best to export their brand of motivation of “You can’t love someone until you learn to love yourself”, “Being healthy means being in touch with your feelings”, “Never lose hope” and  “Be Positive”.  We, at least in the UK, are a little bit more cynical about all this but this branded help is a growing market here too.  I’ll admit to having a few of those resources around the house. 

One of the most disturbing effects of this self help movement is the need to consistently ‘go back’ for more.  This article describes this situation better than I can.  Surely, success must come at some time.  Steve Salerno, in his book “SHAM: How the Gurus of the Self-help Movement Make Us Helpless ” explains just how this industry and its message is not really helping to make people happy but certainly make the ‘gurus’ richer. Psychologist Paul Pearsall in his provocative book ‘The Last Self-help Book You’ll Ever Need ’ uses scientific evidence to support the anti-motivation cause and I suspect there is a growing cynicism amongst many people.

One of the biggest dampeners of personal happiness is the ‘keeping up with the Jones’ pressures, the meeting of  others’ expectations, the constant comparing of yourself with your peers.   These books and CDs and DVDs and all the other stuff are designed to tell you, you are not good enough, you can be better if you really try.  Just buy this please!

Before going out and buying these resources, it is probably best to try and understand who you are and what you really want.  I believe that many people need the constant reinforcement because they are trying to be someone or something that they are not.  Can you be that master salesperson, can you think positively in the face of cancer, are you comfortable spending other people’s hard earned cash on real estate that, fingers crossed, will deliver a profit?  Will those riches and successes really, really make you happy?  If you really are a master salesperson or the insanely positive person, do you need a book to tell you so?  Most successful people seem to get by with reading ‘The Secret’.

Otherwise aim for a more rounded life, understand who you are and your limitations and embrace them in the search for your place in this world.  You might not get rich but you might just get happy.

May you find the balance.

“This notion — that material investment is somehow more important to life than personal investment — is exactly what leads so many of us to believe we could never afford to [insert whatever it is you personally want to do]” with apologies to Rolf Potts, author of Vagabonding,  for paraphrasing.

One of my regular readers has made the mistaken assumption that this blog is just an online log of my ramblings with no real sense and purpose.  I wonder how many others miss the thread of what I am trying to do here.  This blog is about living well as opposed to doing well.  I am trying to use my personal experiences and thoughts to determine what it is that we, humans, need to do to feel content.  I hesitate to use the word happiness has been hijacked by those who wish to jump on the merry go round that is doing well.

The 4 facets that I believe are important to getting a sense of balance in life are the subjects I wish to write about in this blog – the emotional, the mental, the spiritual and the physical aspects and that, fortunately/unfortunately, does cover a wide range of human activity from alcohol and nicotine dependence and addiction, through to diet and exercise and the environment in which one lives as I did in the last post.  I wish to avoid the ‘quote a minute’ do well focused self help hype and try to keep up to date with genetic and anthropological news to inform my knowledge of what makes us human.  I hope as I develop the site to encourage feedback from my readers so we can in a way, grow together.

The quote from the first paragraph of this post is from this article ‘The Difference: Living Well vs. Doing Well’  and relates to vagabonding but you could replace vagabonding with your own personal objective and it will make just as much sense.  Read it, please.

May you find the balance.

Feel so bad that I have not blogged for over a week now,  have plenty to write about just not got the time…..

Unstoppable

“This disposition to admire, and almost to worship, the rich and powerful, and to despise, or, at least neglect persons of poor and mean conditions, though necessary both to establish and to maintain the distinction of ranks and the order of society, is, at the same time, the great and most universal cause of the corruption of our moral sentiments.” (Theory of Moral Sentiments 1759)

Our society’s glorification of money and hatred of the poor was identified as far back as 1759 by the economist Adam Smith.  With more and more research pointing to the fact that ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ is detrimental to your happiness and even your life; it is amazing why we continue to seek to catch a little Affluenza.  Commentary like ‘Don’t celebrate these billionaires, be horrified by their existence’ fails to dampen our appetite for worldly richness.

Maybe we need to take a little more interest in statistics.  One commenter in his article Forbes rich list is Slim pickings came up, based on his analysis of the Forbes rich list, a ‘recipe for billionaire success: get born into a rich family, invent something and sell it to Americans. Win.’   Based on evidence such as this if your dependence on being happy is the achievement of richness, you are probably on a hiding to nothing.

I am always struck by the fact that many people are surprised when they visit ‘poor’ countries at how happy the people living there are.  The lesson seems to be that as long as you do not perceive yourself to be poor, as long as you have met your basic needs, then you need not look any further to feel good about your life.

May you find the balance.

“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyse a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialisation is for insects.”

Attributed to Robert Anson Heinlein (July 7, 1907 – May 8, 1988) an American science fiction writer, I was reminded of this quote a couple of times recently when a friend of mine criticised my blogs of being unfocussed.  In his opinion, only those who specialise are likely to make money out of their blogs and I am on a hiding to nothing.  I obviously have specific aims for my blogs that escaped his notice but I digress.

If you subscribe to the American self help success model, then specialisation is by far the most frequent strand of the success formula.  The advise goes along the these lines, ‘decide what you want to do, want if badly, crave it and then go for it with all your heart and mind’ including, of course, not being sidetracked by other little things like friends and family and other aspects of life.  The gurus will point to examples of successful people that, at least from the outside, who prove the case.  But is that necessarily true?  Even someone as single focussed on golf as Tiger Woods had time to not only do but plan extra-curricula activities!  Another example, the British tycoon, Richard Branson (him of Virgin fame) appears to be focussed many business ventures that you got to wonder if he gets 48 hours a day as opposed to the rest of us.

There is a group of successful people that do not exhibit that single minded focus or at least not for extensive periods of time, people I call the co-founders.  The most famous of these people is a hero of mine, Paul Allen. Co-founder of the mighty Microsoft, Mr Allen has proved to have a wide range of interests many that he backs up with his money. 

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your point of view, humans are multi-talented or multi task orientated and that is what has made us a successful species.  The vast majority of us cannot and do not focus on one thing only.  Is it so bad to want to be a good say salesman as well as a good father?  An excellent mechanic as well as an exceptional husband?  All tasks require work and attention and life is interesting; most of us would get bored doing one thing for an extended period of life.  

Some of us who have bought into the ‘single mindedness’ theory continue to go back to the self help industry, blaming ourselves for our lack of concentration, to seek the inspiration to achieve our goal.  That’s what keeps them busy! 

I am sometimes amazed at the wide range of subjects I find interesting and I sometimes wonder if my ‘Jack of All Trades’ mentality will hinder me in the future but I somewhat recognise that my disquiet is due to the recent emphasis on specialisation in this industrial age.

Obviously with competing interests, goals etc, balance is required and this is what this blog is about, finding a balance.  Using my personal experiences either directly or indirectly, this blog discusses issues that affect life’s balances which I hope you will take on board with your own experiences to create your own unique formula for happiness.  Note, your own, not prescribed.

I believe we should embrace our wide ranging interests and goals and strive to achieve a balance that will generally leave us content with our lot.

May you find the balance.

You couldn’t be that good and not know it, somewhere in your secret heart, however much you’d been abused into affecting public humility. [Lois McMaster Bujold]

Despite my dislike for ‘reality’ TV, I do occasionally watch programs like ‘Pop Idol’ and ‘X Factor’ mainly because the family with 2 budding singers in it likes to watch them.  Currently ‘American Idol’ is the rage and watching it the other day I was struck by the fact that all the contestants were very good.  I mean really good.  The fact that a couple of them are quite young got me to thinking about how much of their youth have these young people given away for a dream as unlikely to happen as winning the competition.

Outliers: The Story of Success

In his book, ‘Outliers: The Story of Success’, Malcolm Gladwell, author of “The Tipping Point” and “Blink” , quotes a neurologist as follows:  “In study after study, of composers, basketball players, fiction writers, ice-skaters, concert pianists, chess players, master criminals, this number comes up again and again. Ten thousand hours is equivalent to roughly three hours a day, or 20 hours a week, of practice over 10 year.  No one has yet found a case in which true world-class expertise was accomplished in less time.”

No-one would claim world class mastery for the contestants on American Idol but some serious practice would appear to be the requisite of making it through to the finals.  The point being made by the scientists that Gladwell quotes would seriously be a hindrance to anyone, such as myself, who is considering a career change at such a late stage in their working life.  However, it also serves as a warning as to how much work will be required should you decide to take the step.  Accepting that means you should make your choice carefully; after all you may have to do it for 3 hours a day for 10 years! 

You need to be content to do whatever you are doing otherwise it will seem like an eternity before you are any good.

But sometimes, true mastery and perfection are not a pre-requisite for success, at least short term success.  Many of those master musicians mentioned in the book play backing for those of less experience and practice, just ask any ‘career’ session musician.  Sometimes flair and originality or stepping outside the box – therefore invalidating everyone’s 10,000 hour experience can make a difference. 

Anyway no-body says you can’t be the best without the 10,000 hours of work.  You just need to be the one with the most hours anywhere and you can be the best.  What is obvious being the best does require work and you will be best only if you are doing something you love.

May you find the balance.

I have always had a bit of unease whenever I hear of Western countries attempting to tell third world countries, particularly African countries about how they should run their economies, their politics and all other ‘civilised and modern’ ways of improving their lot.  As we have seen with the ‘credit crunch’, this advice can be fatal.  Malawi’s ignorance of the Western budgetary advice has resulted in the country becoming an exported of basic food stuff in 3 years!

I suppose my unease stems from the fact that most of modern methods are created and judged on Western values but with it comes new and not necessarily better practises.   Sometimes you have to stick with old values and defend them against the march of time.

One of the values I hold dear having grown up in Africa, is the value of old people, especially parents.  The Christies Care survey released recently shows that one in eight adults had not seen their parents for a year or more despite living an average of 66 miles away,  that is less than quite a few people commute every day to work.  One in 10 adults only speak on the telephone with their mother or father once every four weeks.  How many of the others would be the same if Mum and/or Dad did not look after the children as child carers? 

And as they get even older, the care system is creaking under the weight of a growing old population.   Stories abound of old people being abandoned in homes, selling their properties to pay for care and being shifted around when the money runs out.  This is the long term result of the actions that the survey highlights.  If you’re waiting for an inheritance, you might want to reconsider your plans, it is likely to be paying for the log term care of your parents!

I personally know people who never phone their parents, the parents have to phone them or have not met or spoken to a sibling in years.  That just can’t be right, can it?  If that is one of the sacrifices of modern living, I would suggest to those societies racing to the modern times that maybe they should hold on to something old.   The wisdom of the world lies there.

If you happen to be one of the people mentioned in the survey, pick up the phone right now and make an old person’s day, it will make you feel good too.

Here are some links on the subject.  The guardian debates are quite interesting.

If you’re old and still in touch with your family, count your blessings

Why phoning home is alien to children

One in eights adults have not seen their parents in over a year

May you find the balance.

If you regularly read my blog, you will know that I tend to take anything sold by the ‘quote a minute’ self help American gurus with a large pinch of salt.  One of the central planks of the success brigade is that if you decide where you are going, the world will conspire to help you.

The Alchemist

I must say though that since my ‘Your Place In The Sun’ post, I cannot seem to get away from Brazil.  For example, I am currently reading a book titled ‘The Alchemist’ by a Brazilian author, Paulo Coelho.  I have always intended to read the book after watching a Will Smith (the actor) interview, long before my holiday, in which he mentioned the book.  The book does not have anything to do with Brazil but one of the main themes (I have yet to finish it, so far so good) is about how the world appears to help you when you on your journey to your purpose in life!  Weird or what?

Since I made my decision to move on and do something different with my life, I seem to see lots of opportunities popping up all around me. I do not believe it is the world that is conspiring with me, it is me.

Once you make a decision, you open your eyes to the possible routes to achieve the target.  For example, if you decide to change jobs, you will not see the greater opportunities until you commit yourself to the idea, just saying ‘I need a new job’ is not going to cut it most times.  There will be ‘no jobs out there’ if you are making a half hearted attempt.  If you have to either out of necessity or because of your strong commitment, you will see job opportunities that you would not otherwise have considered.

This effect is real. If you need or want to change something in your life and the opportunity to do so appears elusive, question your motives and your commitment.  Sometimes we desire things that deep down in our hearts we know are impossible for us, I want to be a pop star but I can’t hold a tune.  If you recognise those fantasies then they cease to make you unhappy, they become your little indulgencies, your little escapes.  What you should be left with then, are those things that are true for you and it is those things, once you are committed, that the world will conspire to help you with.

May you find the balance.

I am not so sure why but this story from the BBC website made me sad.   I think, but I am not sure, it has something to do with ‘5 minutes of fame’ or is there a sense that there is much more to the story than meets the eye?

 “The photographer behind Tennis Girl, one of the world’s biggest-selling posters, has died at the age of 63.  The famous photograph sold more than two million copies worldwide.   His widow has said that they had ‘done well’ out of it and were still receiving royalties for it.

tennis_girl

Martin Elliott took his most famous picture, while studying photography in Birmingham.  After qualifying, he went on to work in advertising and had a studio in Birmingham. He retired to Cornwall 11 years ago after living in Stourbridge, in the West Midlands, and Portishead, Somerset.”

 Does it make you sad too?  Can you figure out why?

Full story can be read @  BBC News – Photographer behind Athenas Tennis Girl poster dies.

May you find the balance.

If you happen to be one of the millions of people who either read or listen to the success self-help gurus that the USA seems to be able to generate in their thousands sprouting such terms as NLP, the Secret, 10 habits and other such like, the you would recognise the advice that you do not need to have negative friends.

Some of these gurus will advise you ditch these friends and family people and hang around only with positive people.  Others are more responsible and advise that you hang out with people who have the same aspirations or, if you lucky, who already are what you aspire to be and less time with those who would ‘dampen your enthusiasm’.

On the other hand, if you listen to some of the most successful businessmen in the world, you do not need ‘yes men’ around you.  Ideally, you should find people who complement your skills, preferably cleverer than you and just as committed and who are likely to advise you and say so when they think you are wrong.  All you have to remember is that you are the boss and ultimately you are responsible for your business venture.

I have always liked proving those who say ‘it won’t work’, ‘you’re making the wrong decision’, ‘why rock the boat, things are fine as they are’ wrong.  Life would be so much less fun if everyone thought I was doing the right thing but on the other hand, especially when you are in the process of change, negative friends can be very wearing, sometimes so much so that they just suck the fun of the journey.

I have in the past lost friends for various reasons but I would never advise anyone to ditch their friendships, good friends are just too hard to find.   And yes, a lot of the times your negative friends care about you and would hate to see you hurt if you fail.

I think it is a matter of balance, when your negative friends and family are wearing you down, spend a little time with the ‘Yes men’ in your life (I need one of those) or better still join some club, group of people trying to achieve the same goals as you.  When you are getting too big for your boots, feeling the world can’t touch you; visit a negative friend for a good dose of ‘realism’.

Make you find the balance.

“Money brings happiness. Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop work. But then they’re more troubled than ever, as if they were afraid of losing everything. Money attracts money, that’s true. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money wont necessarily bring happiness.I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness, now what I want is joy.  Joy is like sex – it begins and ends. I want pleasure. I want to be contended, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap.”

via Joy is like sex « Paulo Coelho’s Blog.

What can I say?  Great minds think alike?