talking2myself

Nobody Knows My Fight

I just sort of naturally settled down to 4 to 6 drinks a day (night) and I usually have the higher number if I stay up later – now usually a Thursday night and a Sunday night which is when a number of TV programs I enjoy.  The other nights I try to get to bed early enough to ensure I get enough sleep.  This is a left-over from a previous healthy episode that I never quite let go off.

Weekend drinking limits is really determined by whether I am entertaining or the time I start.  What I do know is that it is way, and I mean, way lower, than anything I have done in years!

You might think that I settled down and accepted where I am but I have not.  Before my walk every morning (yes,  new routine), I sit quietly with my eyes closed for 15 to 20 minutes – the first part of the period I actively think about reducing my drinking and continuing my walk routine – I let my mind run – then I stopped thinking about anything at all, just blank my mind and just sort of meditate.  I suppose the idea is to let those short term thoughts consolidate into long term unconscious thoughts. Then I go for my walk.

The weirdest thing is that nobody seems to have noticed any changes!  Everyone continues to assume I still drink as much as they think I used to.  Hard to understand why, but it would appear that once I have a drink – even if I do not actually finish it or spend two hours before I have another, it does not register.  A small comment here and there from a friend or a family member reminds me of this now and again.

I do not argue or try and prove a point.  After all, they did not notice that much when I did have a much bigger problem.  It does worry me that we cannot notice important things in the lives of our loved ones.  I am left wondering what I am not noticing!

More worrying is that the ones who should have maybe been more vigilant, the doctors, do not seem more worried than ‘You need to drink less’ until recently.  Obviously over the years, I have seen many doctors.  We have been registered with surgeries and so a visit to the doctor was a bit of a lottery as to which doctor you saw.  It goes without saying that true consumption figures were under exaggerated, when asked but they have always been over, way over, recommended limits!  On moving, we registered with a smaller surgery.
 
Well, surgery visit before last, the doctor I saw latched onto my 4 to 8 a day habit and everything now became related to my drinking – which I had not gone to see him about! His colleague has already convinced himself that based on the fact that I once suffered from ulcers (30 years ago) and another doctor once suggested I was suffering stress related physical pain, that I am a natural worrier and so I worry too much.  He was so unworried even at my 3 times above normal alcohol content of my liver!  (Apparently it can go into the hundreds for a living individual!!!)

I would not give up the NHS but the GP service, it could be so much better!  Come on people, let’s pay a little more tax so the doctors can actually stop telling us our symptoms and actually listen to us!  I have become so disillusioned with the GP service that I would prefer to wait until I need a visit to ER if my wife would let me!

Anyway, my new healer is convinced I have a ‘growing’ problem and suggests a bit of help which I reluctantly agree to.  After all, how much harm can some help do, if anything it will help me get past this barrier? 

I knew there was something not right when I had to cancel my first appointment as my son had been take ill at school.  There was a small silence on the other end of the phone, I was passed to my ‘consultant’ who was a bit worried that I was to be in charge of a child with my ‘drinking’ problem!  Even at my worst, unless someone was going to dump a small child on me at 3am on a Saturday morning, was I in a position not to look after my own child!  Really!

With what seems very little effort, from the time the doctor went on about how I am likely to have bleeding gut syndrome, stomach cancer, blah, blah, my consumption has gone to about 4 a night!  I rarely finish the 4th drink even when I stay up for my TV fix.  I have not had a binge weekend in weeks now, last time I tried, feeling depressed, I made it to about quarter to nine and four pints!

My visit to the support service was short.  I told her where I used to be and where I was now and she was practically ready to throw me out the door.  Because I seem to be struggling with the last move, she is to refer me to another support group that might help me manage the routines that make me drink.

Oh, I will go along to my first appointment, my rediscovery of my love for writing and my need for more life experiences will make me do it.  As for my drinking, I haven’t had one in four days now.

May you find the balance.