talking2myself

Admitting Addiction – a two edged sword.

Many years ago when I started this blog, I started it as a way to keep track of what I was doing to improve was a rapidly deteriorating life style.  I was drinking and smoking way too much and it seemed like I could not stop the downward spiral.  I have always held the opinion that ‘every man has a bad habit or two’ loosely translating to the fact that if you take something away, you need to fill the vacuum with something else otherwise you revert back to type.

Over the years one reads articles and books on well being and I did read a few around that time. It is obvious, if you are scientifically inclined, that to really feel happy, content, call it what you will, you need to take control of the situations in your life and balance all the demands of life or you concentrate on one thing to the detriment of everything else.  This option does not appeal, the broken lives that trail behind ’successful’ people who are focussed only on one thing – their career, their passions – for me seems too high a price to pay.  Is this why so many famous people cannot remain in relationships, fall out with parents and friends, drink and drug too much?  When they finally find the space to do other things, when fame has arrived, do they find a void that seems very hard to fill?  I leave that for you to ponder.

My philosophy which I follow with this blog is about balance of the aspects of our human experience based on what science tells us we need to be happy.  I follow the latest scientific research, I blog about it etc and try and relate it back to me.

Anyway, back to this blog.

I wrote a specific add-in for the blogging software that added a beer glass to the end of each post for each pint I drank that day and a packet of cigarette for every 20 I smoked.  After 2 weeks, I knew I had a problem, a big problem!  But though this would have been good therapy – I also worried that somehow a work mate might stumble across this blog – though I tried to keep it anonymous – and I would be accused of being an alcoholic – a situation that does not bear thinking about!  Don’t get me wrong, I can still write kick arse code with a hang-over but too many hang-over mornings?   Nobody really worries if you smoke a hundred a day do they? Worse still it could have been a family member.  Worse?  You have to be ‘in the family’ to understand.

So starting the blog meant I knew I had an issue, the 2 weeks of tracking confirmed it but like any person with a problem in this modern world – especially a man – admitting a problem to anyone else – is likely to be seen as a weakness and likely to be used against you.  And whilst all the advise is to seek help, with even companies incorporating employee health and advisory schemes, the stigma of seeking help is keeping thousands of people from getting help before the problem becomes uncontrollable.

I am trying to remember the title of the book, but in this novel, one of the characters is trying to win his father’s inheritance so he slowly introduces vodka to his recovering boss’ soft drinks until he falls off the rails again and he will take up the main position in the bank.  Is this possible in real life?  Of course, it is.

For me, the blog add-in had to go and with it when the initiative to keep it up to date and to keep track of what I was doing to change what was a very unhealthy situation.

If you are in a similar or been there before, keep following as this story continues.

May you find the balance.