talking2myself

Trying to balance

‘No-one, even those closest to me, knows what I have had to go through to get to where I am now.  Why then do you resent what I have?’

A few weeks before my identity theft saga started (see http://notthenews.net) , I told my mother that I could not find it in my heart to watch children suffer from the foolishness of their parents.  I know I cannot help every child that is in that position, but I can do something about those children that are close to me.  The question is always how do you determine that the parents are being foolish and how do you overcome that shortcoming without upsetting them?  I sometimes fell that those strong feelings I have about being there as a parent stem from the fact that most of my life, my own father was not there.  Oh, there were men who entered my life as a ‘father’ figure but most of my life I was without.  I also think it is why I have remained married as long as I have – this year is 20 years.

Sometimes we end up doing too much for people that make them dependant instead of independent and then when you do it long enough, they do not value your help and become unappreciative.  When you try to cut the apron strings, could it be possible that this could develop into an envy or resentment enough to make some-one actually want to hurt you, someone who has tried to help?

I try to understand why someone who I have tried so hard to help can turn around and want to steal and destroy all that I have built up with lots of hardship and pain and with which I have gladly shared.

Trying to describe how I feel about this saga is difficult.  All the negative emotions that make a person unbalanced are bubbling near the surface – anger, hatred and disgust made worse by the more I find out about the depth of the matter and the more evidence I accumulate.  I am trying hard to suppress the negative and just get on with it businesslike.  I think the problem is that it is invalidating a central core of my belief that most people are descent, not always good, but descent enough to appreciate help.  After all, there is even ‘honour amongst thieves’.

May you find the balance.