talking2myself

Why Working Is A Drag

The number of men applying for teacher training has risen sharply because of the recession, says the body responsible for training teachers.  There was an over 50% rise in the number of men applying to be primary school teachers; see http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/8550506.stm for the story.

I have to ask myself whether the recession is in fact the real reason for the rise.  I suspect there may be a grain of truth in the matter as applications from men have been falling for years especially on the fears of accusations of paedophilia that we in the UK seems a little over obsessive about.  The question is just how good teachers are these people going to make given that teaching may be a fallback position to be reversed when capitalism’s optimism returns.

How many other professionals are doing work they do not like/care about?  It is worse with vocational professions where there is a bit of an expectation of some sense of public service.  I mean we expect bankers to be ruthless money grabbing individuals, but doctors, nurses, teachers and the like must be willing to go over and above the call of duty for us.  I can honestly say that in most cases, you can sense when there is the lack of that commitment in those professions but then again, nobody does a good job doing something they don’t care about.

And this is what makes the difference.  If you are doing what you love, what you care about, it does not feel like work.  When it does not feel like work, it is what defines you as a person, as a member of the society you live in.  I once read that hunter-gatherers worked about 30% of the time.  I, on the other hand, believe they worked 100% of the time – however some things did not look like hunter gatherer work but it was because that is what they were.  You can see that sort of work ethic in some communities.  The industrial revolution is what created the divide between work and play and the rest of life.

Because of that, many people believe that they can separate work and play and achieve greatness and satisfaction in their lives.  Most of us know or soon will know this not to true and it does not matter how much you earn and because you don’t like what you do, you yearn for more off time, holiday and leisure time to do other things.  Doing things you don’t care about though makes you tired and lazy and listless, and so many times people do not rise high enough to do those things you like continuously  and so they find wasteful pastimes like drinking, gambling and other activities that provide minimal relief from the drudge they find themselves in.  Work just becomes a drag.

If you personally do work you enjoy fully, I envy you.  I was once there and I seek to return to that state.  I think everyone should aim to use their talent and passion and everyone should be able to earn a living doing so.

May you find the balance.

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Altruism, is it always selfless?

A news story this morning caught my attention.  It was about the fact that bonobos, one of our closest primate relatives, prefer to share their food rather than eat alone.

“Dr Hare said it could be purely altruistic, or more selfish motives could drive this behaviour because sharing could be exchanged for future favours. The researchers hope this work could also shed light on what drives humans to voluntarily share.”  See more of the story at BBC News – Bonobos opt to share their food.

If you are one of the people who subscribe to self help books, CDs DVDs and other resources, you will recognise the advise to be altruistic as one of the required attributes of success and happiness.  This is on the basis that what you give away will be come back in multitudes.  Some gurus would claim that is the way of nature.  Thinking about it though would suggest that all altruism is somewhat selfish even if it is just the ‘feeling good’ factor that makes a person do it.

One thing is for sure and that is that altruism has evolved for one of many reasons and it may be wise to practise it often, after all, if it makes you feel good then it contributes greatly to your contentment.

May you find the balance.

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Does Identity Matter?

‘I’m Not Black, I’m Coloured – Identity Crisis at the Cape’, an “historical documentary film to explore the legacy of Apartheid through the viewpoint of the Cape Coloured community”  came to my notice recently via a Facebook page collating Zimbabwean mixed race history mainly through photographs.  Channel 4’s recent documentary ‘Is It Better to be Mixed Race’ presented by Dr. Aarathi Prasad is one of the occasional public airing of issues of being mixed race in the UK.  Coloured is the term used in Southern Africa, particularly South Africa and Zimbabwe,  to describe those of mixed race.

Depending on who you listen to, there has been some sort of identity crisis amongst those of mixed heritage.  That crisis, if it ever existed, is slowly being eradicated.  A search on Google - reveals a growing sense of a separate identity and that is confirmed by the tens of Facebook groups relating to mixed race heritage.  However,  there are vast differences in experiences of people of mixed race around the world, even in countries where the colonists where from the same country, case in point, Brazil and the African Portuguese colonies of Angola and Mozambique.  In some countries, such as South Africa and Zimbabwe, a separate mixed race identity has existed for years, in others, you are/were assumed to be ‘black’ or some other grouping not always to your liking or advantage.

Having just come back from a holiday in Brazil, in my mind the ‘mixed race’ capital of the world, I was surprised to learn that according to the 2006 census, only 43% of the Brazilians have identified themselves as pardo, their term for mixed heritage.  The rest appear to have identified themselves with a particular community – notice this is not about race per se, but community.  The same mentality is evident in the large percentage of ‘Afro-Americans’ who do have mixed heritage, maybe a few generations back, but many of whom do not consider themselves as mixed race.  Is it that be that by identifying themself with a particular distinct group, it makes for a less uncertain personal environment?

On the other hand, some mixed race people in South Africa and Zimbabwe feel that that separate identity works against them in the new political environment.  ‘Too white for Mugabe, too black for Britain’ is a phrase I have come across a number of times, especially when Britain refuses to acknowledge her children of Africa!  Maybe separating yourself from others opens you up to attention you might not otherwise get.  In the UK, there is a sense of identity of being black, in some cases, and being mixed race in others.  The younger ones seem to be quite comfortable with this dual identity.  I see it in my own children.

‘All Mixed Up’ is going to be my project about how personal identity affects a person’s contentment.  This will not be a project about race but about identity.  The mixed race factor makes for an identifiable body of subjects (i.e lab rats) because it would be harder to do so in other contexts.  I have a friend of Irish descent who always tells me that he is of mixed race as his mother was Catholic and his father Protestant.  He identifies himself as ‘cosmopolitan’ but you couldn’t tell by looking at him!

So watch this space for further information about the project over the next few years.

 References Links:

http://www.mixedfolks.com/africa.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mulatto
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mestizo
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goffal
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filipino_mestizo
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coloured_people
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cape_Coloureds

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Gain without Pain

This morning, my son gave me one of those school photograph packs from school.  You know the ones I mean?  Where the schools get the photographer in and then encourage us, the gullible parents, to pay over the odds for the photographs? I do understand that school get a cut but I suspect the photographer doesn’t do to badly out of it either.  Of course, this prompted the question of justifying paying the exorbitant price with the boy vocalising his opinion that the photographs must be purchased.  After all, these are school photos.

So finally, I suggested that a couple of weeks’ pocket money would help to make the price a little more acceptable at which point you could hear the screeching of locked tires and the smell of burnt rubber.  Wait a minute; now that was a different matter, there is no need for that kind of sacrifice!

It made me think on my way to work about how many times we ‘need’ or ‘want’ something until it’s suggested we make some sort of sacrifice to get it.  We demand stuff from our governments, our employers, dads and mums that we are quite happy not to pay for but if we were, we would not find so important.  In life though, we do pay for it in some way, shape or form but if it is not obvious, as in demands from Government, we insist in its provision.  That makes us a little spoilt and we start to believe that we are entitled to more, increasing the level of dissatisfaction we feel.

So next time you are asking or being asked for something, think about whether you or the requester would pay for it.  If not, you don’t need it.

And yes, I will be buying a set of those over priced photographs; his grandmother would never forgive me if I didn’t.  Spoilt woman!

May you find the balance.

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Who’s afraid of big bad death?

I can’t remember where I heard this little tit-bit but it is one I always recall it whenever I have to tell someone I am an atheist.   In the story, a Muslim man asks a Christian man why is it he (the Christian) is afraid to die if he truly believes in heaven.  It is obvious from countless survival stories we hear about,  that many of us do everything we can to stay alive even to the point of suffering greatly.  Is that fear of death?

I am not particularly bothered by the thought of death but I certainly do not want to suffer too much before cashing in my chips.  It might bother me if it were to happen in the near future, if I were aware that is, because I am not done living yet.

I bring this subject up because whenever you contemplate life and its trials and tribulations, your plans and your dreams, death will increasingly feature in your thoughts as you get older.  In fact, insurance companies encourage you to include its possibility in your financial plans.  It certainly has featured in my thoughts as I plan for the changes that face me ahead.

I wonder if I worried too much about death, whether it would affect the plans I have, especially considering the risk I am taking at this stage of my life?  Would the idea that you might die before completing your master plan stop you?  Are many of us scared to take financial risks in case we keel over and leave our families in the sh*t?  If you cannot live like you want to because of this fear, are you not already dead?  If you fear death to the point that you cannot ever be content, could it be time to confront your feelings and re-examine your belief system?

All these thoughts may have prompted a prediction of my end in a dream recently, if that is possible, but I will tell you about it anyway.

I am sitting on one of those swing type bench seats on a veranda (porch to you Americans – see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verandah) looking at a beautiful sunset or sunrise over a clear water bay in front of me.  I am old, really old and I feel old but I am satisfied and comfortable.  Sitting next to me is someone I love very much and loves me very much.  I do not see this person, I just know they are there sitting beside me.  My eyes slowly close as I fall asleep admiring the beautiful scene before me and knowing that I will never awake.  It felt so right, it was time and at that moment I am very content.

Maybe you just have to live life to the full and like the words in the song (The Gambler, Kenny Rodgers) ‘the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep.’

May you find the balance.

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Happiness – Not so Good

“This latest finding adds to a wealth of data suggesting that being happy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…. Happiness seems to make people more selfish, the latest in a series of revelations suggesting it changes how you think – and not in a good way.”

via Happiness ain’t all it’s cracked up to be – life – 26 February 2010 – New Scientist.

Something to seriously thing about.  If you seek your own fulfillment, it will usually be at the expense of those you love simply because what makes you happy may not necessarily make them happy.  If you love them and they love you, those same people contribute to your state of happiness.  Life is about compromises and while happiness is a worthwhile pursuit, getting to a comfortable state, a state of contentment is the ultimate aim.  Beware those who suggest that all must be sacrificed in the search for success and thus happiness, you are likely to die a lonely person surrounded by those things that long stopped making you happy.

May you find the balance.

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Travel and Well being

“By far the most important lesson travel teaches you is that your time is all you really own in life. And the more you travel, the more you realize ….. the satisfaction you get from finding new experiences, meeting new people, and learning new things about yourself…..the best experiences in life can be had for the price of showing up (be it to a festival in Rajasthan, a village in the Italian countryside, or a sunrise ten minutes from your home).

Scientific studies have shown that new experiences (and the memories they produce) are more likely to produce long-term happiness than new things.”

Having just returrned from the carnival in Rio de Janeiro in Brazil, I can only agree.

Read the very good article at Tim Ferris’ blog –  5 Travel Lessons You Can Use at Home.

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Impersonal Business

How we in the West are accepting worsening ‘customer care’ under the pretence of efficiency.

A number of things that have happened to me over the past few months that has made me realise just how bad customer service is developing in the Western World, or at least in the UK.  The extended use of automated telephone systems and off-shore support are not improving our lives but improving the bottom line for businesses that are rushing to remove themselves from dealing with their customers face to face.  I don’t remember where I heard about this quote but here goes; ‘how do you explain the urgency of a broken down central heating system to someone who lives in the tropics?’  No matter how much training on accents and way of life you give off-shore staff, there will always be the cultural differences even if you do change their names. Read the rest of this entry »

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Lie Down and Die.

It struck me very strongly this week that in the week that Auschwitz survivors mark Holocaust Memorial Day (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8482760.stm), I happen to be reading Viktor E Frankel’s “Man’s Search for Meaning“, Dr. Frankel was an Auschwitz survivor.  In the same week, news coming out of the disaster in Haiti cumulated with the story of a teenage girl who was pulled from the rubble of Haiti’s capital, Port-au-Prince, 15 days after the earthquake struck (http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/rss/-/1/hi/world/americas/8484317.stm).

These events reminded me of a poem I wrote many years ago entitled ‘Lie Down and Die’ which I think I wrote around the time our TV screens, at least in Europe, where filled with images of Ethiopian children dying of starvation.  The poem questioned why someone why they just didn’t roll over and die when faced with some of the most horrible experiences that any being can bear.  Dr Frankel uses his experiences in the concentration camps to try and explain why people hold on and how that can help those who feel they can’t keep going.  I will probably return to this discussion in some future post as the first part of the book is fascinating reading.

I am not sure but somehow these events this week may have finally made me commit to registering as an organ donor (http://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/) and adding my picture and my 2 pence worth to the Wall of Life (www.walloflife.org.uk), after all I can’t take anything with me when the ‘deal is done’.  If anything, there will be at least one reason for my existence, my life and like I said on the wall, I can’t take it with me wherever I am going after this…..

The point though is that your life, all our lives, has to be worthwhile. Live it, live it and at the same time try to be content, be happy, it only comes round once.  It is your duty to show to yourself and all those who look to you how to make life worthwhile and from that worth, hopefully, will come contentment and peace.

May you find the balance.

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The secret of contentment…

Those who face that which is actually before them, unburdened by the past, undistracted by the future, these are they who live, who make the best use of their lives; these are those who have found the secret of contentment.

Alban Goodier

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Where to from here?

I have finally called time on the last 10 years of my life.  Somehow I knew it would come to this with the recent years’ frustrations ensuring that to stay would not be possible.  Can I say that I am disappointed?  Well yes, I can because my expectations were, maybe unrealistically, much higher than the actual reality.   Am I grateful?  Yes I am.  I am old and ugly enough to know that millions of people do not have the opportunity that presents itself to me now.

Maybe I should not have taken the step before knowing exactly what my next step would be, but in there lies the danger of falling into the ‘rut’ trap that steals many people’s lives away.   If anything, it has focussed my mind on what I am to do for the rest of my life and despite the huge risk I take, one of my long time ambitions to get a university degree is the path I find myself looking down.

Many of you who read this blog and my other related blogs will know that I have an interest in the human condition, particularly regarding well-being and happiness.  You will also know that I do not really like using the word happiness because of the way it has come to mean something else in modern culture so I tend to use contentment, instead -see the About  page, but bear with me for this post.

So what next?

I have decided to study Genetics, Sociology & Emotional Psychology – The scientific study of the genetic and social factors affecting human emotional psychology – with an emphasis on well-being and happiness.  Don’t look it up because no university that offers this degree, it covers a very wide spectre of sciences which are not normally taught together.  My long held ambition was to physically attend a ‘bricks and mortar’ university to get the full benefit of interaction with those following the same course of study but this is not possible both in terms of the subjects I wish to cover and personal circumstances – being a married man with children.

My study therefore will be pursued as an Open degree with the Open University and no it is not more expensive than the ‘bricks and mortar’ option.  I am not doing a part time degree but will be pursuing a full time equivalent degree – I do not want to wait 6 years for my degree especially since I am no longer a spring chicken.  The Open University option does have some obvious benefits.

“The expected outcome from the successful completion of the degree is that I will have the credibility to write and talk about the factors that affect the human condition particularly related to well being and happiness. I will be in a position to relate to lay people what genetic and social factors affect their happiness, what they can do, on a personal level, to overcome any barriers to their own happiness.  The emphasis is on personalisation – getting people to understand where they come from, who they are and what they can and cannot do for themselves.”

As I learn and apply some of my learning to myself and how it relates to my 4 facets of contentment, I will blog about it here.  Who knows you might find some nuggets that will help you get more satisfaction out of your life.  I intend to start learning and blogging now so you won’t have to wait for long.

May you find the balance.

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Season’s Greetings

talking2myself wishes everyone a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year.

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When Did I Stop Having Fun?

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all. – Woody Allen (1935 – )

It would appear that I have a psychological need to insert a break between work and home and that break requires the some intake of alcohol simply because that is what I do to relax.  This according to a councillor I had the fortune to meet.  The consumption levels, though over recommended limits, is not particularly worrisome.  Certainly when you consider where I am coming from!

My refusal to give up on drink completely prompted a question to explain why.   Of course I was careful with my response; after all, he himself may be teetotal.  Simply this, I find non drinkers boring.  They are the damp squids of every party or gathering. I even have a theory that most gatherings I go to now are so boring because of designated drivers! People just don’t want to leave the cars at home and as soon as the first designated driver convinces his group to leave, the fun is over.  At least some of them are drinkers; it is the real non-drinkers that are just blah!!!!  I enjoy, at least the early part of drunken conversations.  You can just about talk about anything.

I do not want to be one of them!

Over the years I have insisted that I will not be one of those poor souls who wait for their 2 weeks holiday in the sun every year to actually enjoy themselves.  The rest of the year is just misery and scrimping.  Save thousands, blow it in 2 weeks and hopefully remember some of the holiday is just not my idea of how life should be.

And that is why I go to the pub regularly, why I drink because I want to have some fun but wait, when was the last time I had any fun.  It’s been ages since I went out and had a dance, and I love dancing!  Going to the pub is no longer fun, seeing the same faces doing the same old stuff, just like me!

The question is ‘when did I stop having fun?’

May you find the balance.

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Decisions and December.

No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently. – Agnes de Mille (1909 – 1993)

December seems to be a month when things happen to me.  I don’t know if the stars are in sort of alignment before December, if I believed in that sort of junk, but I seem to implement life changing decisions in December.

Exactly 22 years ago yesterday, I got engaged and a year later, again in December, I got married to my current and only wife.  I left my previous life in Africa to make a change to my life and that of my young family at the end of December some 20 years ago.  Those are the big events so far, I may have made many smaller changes along the way.

And now after dilly, dallying for months I have finally made the decision to close the current chapter in my life and move onto something new.  I close this chapter, disappointed that the outcome is not what I dreamt off but not writing it off as a total waste of time.  I have learnt a lot, especially about money and people!  Every experience counts and I am not just saying that.  One day, I will write about some of the lessons, maybe even in this blog.

It is amazing how difficult it always seems to make decisions.  Sometimes you really just have to listen to you.  You can ask for advice but those who try and help do not really know how you feel even if you tell them.  They cannot understand you to that level, no matter how close they are to you.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there will be consequences of this decision and I have considered them but the consequences which could be ‘not nice’ are less scary then the option of doing nothing and achieving nothing.  And sometimes the consequences of your decisions are not as bad as you imagined they would be before you made them and that I know from experience.

Most of all, decision making is liberating.  Once you have made the decision, now you can get to the planning, the scheming and the dreaming.   This is how us humans grow, this is how we conquered the world.  A decision to move further north, over the hill, step by step is how we grew as a people and how we grow as a person.  Those who wish to stay behind do OK but those who go over the hill, for them the possibilities are endless.

May you find the balance.

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Infedility

Tiger Wood story – can famous people escape it….

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